Chucks, Diapers, Toothettes, Morphine, Methadone, Wipes, Iv’s, Choking, Gait Belts, Lip Reading, Tears, Frustration, Nurses, Constipation, Disempactments, Enemas, Wheel Chairs, Rolling Sheets, Straws, Syringes, Sleepless Nights, Panic Attacks, 21 Meds A Day, Sleepless Nights,  Plastic Sheets, Carpet Cleaning Machines, Ice Cream, Jello, Applesauce, Infections, Anger, Sadness, LOVE. 

10 months ago that was my daily life. 10 months ago I was taking care of Duane while he was DYING.  Dying a slow, painful death from one of the most under funded diseases there is. 

Duane refused all medical intervention.  No feeding tube, trach, suction, oxygen… Nothing. He was doing this his way. (Like always.) We stayed positive and laughed and joked around, but it wasn’t positive or fun. It was hell. Everyday was hell. In honor of May being ALS awareness month I am going to share with  you the other side of our life. The side we rarely shared. 

– xoxo Victoria 

Three years ago I left Reno for what I thought was the last time. I picked up my boat trailer, left the grey Jetta full of Duane’s stuff and closed a door; a very, very heavy door.

Little did I know at that moment, that within a month, my life would be completely flipped upside down. Little did I know that everything I thought and believed in would be tested. That I would learn how deeply people can hurt another person. How people you love and trust can lie and hurt you on a level that you didn’t know was possible. And that deep down the majority of people are out for themselves. That the majority of people will go to any length to hide their lies and secret lives. 

Most of you have no idea the depths of what happened between April 27, 2015 and July 5, 2017… the lies, the deception and pure hatred that I saw. I am at point where I am able to discuss this and share this. I am slowing going to start sharing MY story. In an attempt to move on and get passed the things that are holding me back from moving on. I have kept a lot to myself to respect people’s privacy, those very people who treated my life as an after thought. And because off the embarrassment that I felt and still feel about these events. 

Some of you are not going to agree with me for bring up the past, sharing this part of MY story. Some of you will support me. And almost all of you will be blown away buy the decisions and actions that took place during these few months that shaped the rest of my life. 

I may not start publicly sharing tomorrow, next week or even next month but I am at a point where nothing is off limits anymore. I have been fiercely protective of my heart and my privacy and I am now realizing that the longer I keep everything bottled up, the longer it will take for me to accept what has happened, how it changed me and to ultimately have the amazing life I deserve. 

– xoxo Victoria

“We used to be the life of the party
We used to be the ones that they wished they were…”

I was reminded tonight that life is short. Have fun. Buy the boat.

As Duane always said, “Live like your going to die tomorrow, but plan for the future just in case”.

– xoxo Victoria

P.S. Just so everyone is clear… In that first picture we did not plan on dressing the same. We left wearing only our bathing suits and when we pulled our clothes out later… we matched. And we only put clothes on because we went into a bar!

The weather has been amazing in North Carolina this week. High 70’s low 80’s my slice of heaven. Lake weather. So tonight while I was sitting on the couch the sudden down pour of rain startled me a bit. But what really scared me was the shrieking sound coming from the TV….

I live in Wake County.

I don’t have a basement. I think I’m supposed to sit in the bathtub or something? 

Why did I move here?

– xoxo Victoria

I usually don’t rant, I usually don’t lose my shit – well in front of other people at least. What happens in my home – stays in my home – hahahahaha! (Poor Buddy.) But for those of you who want to fuck with me, don’t forget in the last nine months I’ve lost a lot of people, people who were my family, people I loved. And in the last two years I’ve lost even more, a lot friends, life long friends, so I thought. And you know what, I’m fine. I will always be fine.

The people that have remained or joined my journey are people that care about me, not my past and don’t judge me. I totally get that everyone has their own “grief journey”, but no matter where you are on yours – you don’t get to judge mine. You don’t get to tell me I can’t share with you – because YOU are not ready. If that’s the case you are not Team Victoria – you are team Selfish. You didn’t go through it everyday. You didn’t hold someone’s hand as they took their last breath. You didn’t have to plan a “funeral” at 38. You didn’t lose your person. You didn’t give up everything to care for someone and watch helplessly as they withered away to nothing and died. 

Stop judging me. I don’t care if I lose you. I am used to it. 

Thank you for allowing me to rant and really tell how it is. 

– xoxo Victoria

POLLEN SEASON!!!!! EFFING NORTH CAROLINA!!!! 

What’s next?

No one told me about pollen. (Kinda like the snow year round situation, the killer mosquitos, wild cat colonies and having to rent the carts at the grocery store.) It’s a three week period where everything is yellow and messy. The best part about not knowing about this pollen thing is that the day before it started I left my car windows down. 

– xoxo Victoria

Here’s a little fun fact about about Victoria…Since January she’s been afraid to travel, horribly afraid to be away from home and from Buddy. Yes, the girl who’s had a passport her whole life and moved from England at 9 months old is afraid to travel. The girl who has been to every Island there is, would rather sit on her uncomfortable couch with her dog than venture to the beach.  This is not the life she thought she would be living. 

I went to Arizona in January to start my pilates teaching career. Although I had a wonderful time there I also had a MAJOR freakout. Broke down hysterically crying and truly lost my shit!!  I quit pilates and decided I needed more time. So I took it…

Guess what???? Easter weekend I went to Jupiter, Florida to spend time with my BF Brittany, her daughters, her mom and her grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins!  I have NEVER felt so welcome.  They were so amazing to me. We went out on the boat, went to the beach, ate AMAZING food cooked by her aunt Michele and just spent time in the sun. I also slept for 10 hours straight (I haven’t slept that long since August 2015 – I’m not kidding). 

This was what I needed.  Time, love, acceptance and the water. They say salt water cures everything… It does. 

I can never thank them enough for the peace that those few days gave me. 

– xoxo Victoria

I already shared this video on facebook. I don’t think I have ever shared something on social media and then later blogged about it. But my heart hurts tonight. Not is a sad way, not in a bad way… but it does, I cant explain it, but I need a hug. This song is amazing but then the video – that just pushed me over the edge. Every time I watch it I cry… UGLY CRY.

NOT because I am sad but because of the love I am seeing. The selfless love of watching someone take care of another human in such a loving manner. And then I remember that’s what I did. I have never been one to say “look what I did”, I normally just say “that’s what you do for someone you love”. But tonight when I see this simple music video it brings me back to the two years I cared and loved on Duane while WE were battling ALS. I am reminded of all of the good times and the “date nights” and how he tried (most of the time – hahahahaha) to give me the life we had always had. 

I always say I will never do that again. I will never love someone like that again, I will never care for someone like that again, I will never fall like that again. I need to protect my heart. I can’t ever do that again. Then I see the love and it gives me hope. It makes me think that the love you receive back is worth it. It gives me hope that there is real, true love out there. (Hope that the next one won’t die on me too! – Just Kidding – Kinda – You have to know me to appreciate the comment. Duane is laughing at it!)

Love your people. Love them hard! 

– xoxo Victoria

P.S. Please excuse any spelling, punctuation or run of sentences in this, I just wrote. 

You’re either gonna love this or you’re gonna hate this. People will always have an opinion, whether they voice it or not. You’ll either support me or you won’t. But I will tell you, before you comment, before you respond, I can guess which group you are in. And to be perfectly honest I don’t care what anyone thinks.  

I have put off sharing this as I know it’s a touchy subject for some. I needed to protect my heart and myself and I was not in place I where felt comfortable defending my decisions (I actually don’t think I should have to) or even having a conversation about it with people who just don’t get it. 

I am dating.

It is so crazy out there. People are nuts, or maybe it’s me, who knows. I have changed so much in the last few years, things that mattered years ago don’t even register anymore. Happiness and peace are the most important things in my life.

I don’t have a lot to say about this right now, I just wanted to answer the burning question people have been asking. I love you all and look forward to sharing this journey with you. I will continue to share the memories I have with Duane. I will still post about the stupid stuff we did, the hard days, the sleepless nights and the special days.

BUT, I have one story to share… Actual coffee date… After 15 minutes or so of introductions….

Date: “I HATE dogs!”

Me: “What?” (Maybe I misheard).

Date: “I hate dogs. They are false companionship for needy people.”

Me: Just staring at him.

I grabbed my bag and walked out…. and before you ask, yes I showed him pictures of Buddy before he said that.

This is my life.  If you would like me to keep sharing let me know. Wish me luck. 

– xoxo Victoria

P.S. The quote at the top is from The Ladies Man… one of Duane’s all time favorite movies. Super inappropriate but so so funny! It’s hilarious, if I’m being honest. 

So I am still not sleeping through the night. I get a few hours during the night and then a few hours in the afternoon.  I’m not on a schedule and I don’t have much to do so it doesn’t really matter and who does it affect?

BUDDY – that is who it affects, because between the 1 and 2 am hours I force him to do photoshoots with me. The best are when I catch him asleep and the flash wakes him up. hahahahahaha!!!

After I shoot 5 to 6 pictures I text them to my family, cause if I’m awake everyone should be. If anyone wants to be added to this group text let me know…

– xoxo Victoria