This is my life…

This happened to my right arm and elbow on Monday night… No I wasn’t drunk. Buddy and I were sitting on the couch watching The Voice and someone knocked on my door.

“It must be a robber or rapist or ax murderer”, were obviously my initial thoughts.

As I’m kicking myself for not buying a gun yet I slowly got up and low walked to the side of the couch where I could look out my glass front door, that Buddy was hysterically barking at and throwing himself against . As I got around the the couch from my rug and stepped onto the wood floor my super cozy socks slipped on the wood. As I was falling I grabbed the couch with my arm and the first bruise occurred. I scrambled to a half standing position and then my cozy socks slipped again and I landed on my wood floor on my elbow.  Buy this point Buddy had stopped barking and I had realized the two, 18 year old, female, Mormon missionaries were watching all of this happen through the glass door. 

The socks are in the trash. 

– xoxo Victoria

Today is 8 months… 8 months since Duane took his last breath. 8 months of him no longer suffering. 8 months of my best friend being gone. 

Some of you may not like the beginning of this post, those who really knew Duane get it … the rest of you … read it to the end.

Duane was never a big patter-on-the-backer.  It took a lot for him to tell you (especially me) that you did a good job. I only heard it a few times. He expected a lot, from everyone, but especially from those close to him, from those he knew he taught well. He expected you to listen and learn from him. But he held himself to an even higher standard, expected even more of himself. He was a teacher, but he was also constantly teaching and learning himself. 

Those of you who follow me on Facebook and Instagram (captain_victoria) know I recently bought a new Pontoon boat. I painted it pink polka dot and it is essentially the Pink Pontoon II. I LOVE it. I was taught by the best. I had to peel of the decals, acetone off the glue, sand it, pressure wash it, paint 3 coats of the base pink, draw the polka dots and then paint 2 coats of the polka dots…that isn’t even including the bedazzling. It is a labor of love. (Love is ALWAYS the secret ingredient – in everything). 

I am going to share something here that I have only told a few people…

I spent a lot of time working on this boat. I dug deep in my memory banks, deep in the tool boxes, asked questions of people I knew had answers and went to work.  As I was peeling of the decals/ stickers I hit a snag… I could not get them off. I went back in time, thought about similar situations and headed for the bottom drawer of the tool box.  I grabbed a long extension cord and the heat gun and went to work. 

As I was getting in the groove, dancing to my music, heating the decals up and razoring them off the sun rays started coming though the trees… I noticed how amazing it looked, like heaven was opening up. As I refocused on the boat I felt a hand on the back of my shoulder blade, a pat on my back.  No one was there … well someone was, only I could feel him though.

Not often, but every once in awhile I get a sign. A sign that I am moving in the right direction. 

– xoxo Victoria

**** The above picture is one of our absolute favorites, we always had it in our home. We said it looked like heaven. I took this picture, on my iPad, at Sand Hollow Reservoir in Utah probably in 2010. Duane and I went evening/ night fishing there. I got Swimmer’s Itch in my eye, we saw the most epic thunder and lightening storm (it was so bad Duane left the boat on the dock, with all his rods and electronics and carried Gracie to the car to make sure she didn’t step in a puddle and get electrocuted – he really loved her) and found a 24 hour Robertos in the middle of no where. That was a memory we always, always laughed and talked about! 

It’s Monday. Moving Forward Monday! The lessons weren’t as big this week (I didn’t go out this weekend! hahahaha), but I did learn a few things.

1. Don’t ever doubt my determination … Since Friday night when I started watching Sons of Anarchy – I am happy to reveal I am on Season 4 Episode 2 and I LOVE it! I briefly thought about running away to join some sort of biker gang, BUT I don’t do meth, my aim with a gun is not perfect and I definitely don’t want to get kidnapped.

2. EVERYTHING is better when it’s PINK! – Especially boats.

3. Microblading is the most painful thing ever… I do not recommend it.

4. There are people you thought were your friends, and they just stop talking to you, no explanation. You have to accept it. It sucks and it’s hard and confusing and so very hurtful, but they are not your people. You may feel used but that’s on them.

It’s supposed to rain a lot this week so I’m not sure how much work I’ll get done on the Pink Pontoon II, but that means I’ll have time to write and read. 

– xoxo Victoria

While Duane was sick I wrote and shared through our blog. I tried to keep everyone in the loop and updated on our lives, how much fun we were having and how shitty ALS can be. I shared and felt everyone’s love and support constantly. There was a huge amount of our journey that wasn’t shared because I thought it would be interpreted as whiny and complaining so I kept a journal. THE BEST DECISION I HAVE EVER MADE. My journal was for me and it didn’t matter what I wrote, how I wrote or how often I wrote. It was literally, my safe place to express my feelings and frustrations. It was my saving grace. 

Back up … In July 2015 when we first moved and settled onto the boat in San Diego we were sitting out back one night, drinking wine, listening to the Sea World fireworks and Duane looked at me and said, “When this is all over you need to write a book…Just about the good stuff”. HAHAHAHAHA!!! The good stuff. This blog showcased the good stuff.

I kept notes and wrote parts of a book and rewrote and threw it away and changed the view point …

I have a plan I am writing a book, probably two. But first I am self publishing my journals. I am very apprehensive about this as it is still so very raw and fresh.  There is NO sugar coating anything and I am very aware that this is not for everyone – and this is okay. My cousin, Jamie, who helped me edit it (basic stuff) reassured me and told me that this is the right thing to do. It will help someone, I will help someone. NO one talks about the stuff I wrote about. I wish I could have read something like this when I was going through caregiving and ALS, to help me not feel so alone or so isolated. To help me realize that everything I felt and was going through was “normal” and I wasn’t the only one. To show me that caregiving is hard and ALS fucking sucks. To show me that people who are dying are not always nice and the people around you are not always supportive. I wish I had had a “place to go”.

So with that I am finishing up the introduction and creating a cover and then I will be uploading it to Amazon.  I hoping to have this completely done this weekend. I have started on my actual book and will share more about that as time goes on. 

Once again, thank you all. Your love and kindness got me through this and I appreciate all of you.

– xoxo Victoria

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Moving forward Monday.  In the attempt to continue moving forward, growing and learning I am starting Moving Forward Monday.  Every Monday I am going to list a few lessons or things I learned in the previous week.  I feel like waiting until Monday opens up so many lessons that are usually learned on weekends. hahahahaha

1. If you have looked EVERYWHERE and can’t find your keys…check the front door. 
2. The 2 drinks you had before you went out really make a difference at the end of the night…or the next day, even if you don’t remember them until Monday. 
3. Just because someone tells you they are 5’8″ it doesn’t mean they are. Investigate this before you meet them.
4. Glueing bedazzles to something can fix anything.

– xoxo Victoria

I stopped wearing my ring about five months ago. Some say that it was too soon, some say that I should have just moved it to the other hand. I say “mind your business”. If you are married and your person isn’t dead you don’t get an opinion.

I had been carrying it around in my wallet since since I took it off. That didn’t seem like such a great place to keep it so, after much thought and deliberation I decided to turn my beautiful ring into two necklaces. I spent a lot of time considering what would look best and with the help of parents and an amazing jeweler this is what we came up with. 

I love them. And am so happy I decided to do this. 

xoxo – Victoria

Six months ago today I started my life in North Carolina. The past six months have been full of laughter, gratitude and heartache. I have had amazing days, fun days and heart breaking days.  I have met some of the nicest people and some of the weirdest people – you decide who is who! 

Tonight I went over to my sister’s house and they sang Happy 6 Month Anniversary to me, which was kinda weird because it was to the rhythm of Happy Birthday so it didn’t quite work but I LOVED it!!!

I love the people I have met, the friends I have made and the support that welcomes me everyday.  I feel at home. I feel like I found my place. I can’t wait to see what the next six months hold. 

Remember if you want to visit, you are always welcome. There is always something to drink, something to eat, a bed to sleep in and a boat to ski behind. I hope you all will make a trip out soon. 

Thank you for your continued support and love!

– xoxo Victoria

Talk about a breakdown…. hahahahaha… I guess I was due.  I have changed my plans, changed my focus, gone through a costco case of tissues, broken out like a teenager and finished a bottle of tequila. I have been so worried about disappointing everyone (don’t ask me who everyone is because I have no idea) that I rushed into some “career” decisions that I was not ready for. In the last three days my little world has gotten smaller and happier.  

I look forward to sharing everything with you all in the next few days. 

– xoxo Victoria

“Learning To Live Again”

Well Nolan,

I think I am starting to figure it out.  We were sitting on the couch eating popsicles together when you asked me that. I giggled with you and thought long and hard because, dude, you stumped me. You told me you would really like it if Buddy (and I) stayed living on 23rd Street.  You said you would visit Buddy (and me) everyday. I wanted to stay living at the beach but it just wasn’t the best idea under the given circumstances, because you were right, Duane was the first person on the street to go to heaven. (Do I ever miss your little insights of wisdom. hahahahahahah)

I have decided I am going through Pilates certification again. I did it once and loved it.  It’s probably the only thing I have ever done that I truly loved and felt happy and fulfilled doing. I am planing on incorporating nutrition and juicing into my pilates business and teaching people the importance of eating clean and healthy. 

So for now that is as far as my plan goes. I want to get another dog, but I don’t think Buddy would like that.  I’ll keep you posted on my plan as it evolves and I make adjustments.  Thank you for being the coolest person on 23rd street. 

– xoxo Victoria

P.S. You made Duane very happy.  

I remember exactly where I was when Travis said that to me.  I was standing in our living room, tears pouring down my face, exhausted and defeated because Duane was being Duane. We were having a real rough day, we had company in town, it was at least 120 degrees and he was insisting on going to the lake in the Metallic Pea Green Truckster. It was impossible to get him in that car and onto the boat on a good day, and this day was so far from a good day – I didn’t think it could get worse. I was wrong! hahahaha!

Duane has been gone for 6 months today. 6 months without my best friend. The days are getting easier and I am surrounded by some really cool people.

I feel at peace. I am happy. 

And you know what – I’ve never said this…. Travis was right.

– xoxo Victoria