Under The Sea, Under The Big Top, Board Games, White Trash Bash … party themes of the past. My annual Thanksgiving Eve costume party was cancelled this year. For the first time in … I don’t know haw many years there are no costumes, no obnoxious amounts of alcohol, no ridiculous amounts of fun and no memories being made.

This year this is no party. The memories have been flooding my feed for days, reminding me of family and friends and fun. The memories have reminded me of easier times, harder times and family times. Times I miss and will undoubtedly make me experience a new first. I thought I had crossed all the firsts off my list, but out of the blue, here comes another one.

I didn’t think it would bother me. I wouldn’t spend months having to think up a theme, I wouldn’t have to spend weeks planning the decorations, planning the food … but here I am missing the chaos. Back in the day, before everyone had kids the parties were insane and over the years they have calmed down, themes have been adjusted and events have been tamer. But they have still been so fun.

When I first moved for North Carolina I wanted to have the party, but was so scared about how it would turn out, if people would come, if people would have fun … if they would “get” it. They did. And they filled my home with laughter and love. And for that, I am so, so very grateful.

But now, after three years of NC parties, I feel like maybe I should have stopped them when I moved here, because a new first at three years sucks. I didn’t think it would, but it does.

I know the reason is valid. COVID. Social distancing. Rules. Regulations.

But its made me think about the parties we had when Duane was sick. He wanted those parties, wanted people to gather and have fun. He wanted to be surrounded by love and laughter. He wanted his last year(s) to be full of smiles and dumb shit. These parties provided that.

I think about all the families that are quarantining now, due to rules and mostly fear and I feel for them. This will be thousands of people’s last holiday season and they and their families deserve to spend the time together. They deserve the time, the love and memories they can make.

I understand that by staying 6 feet apart and wearing masks we are protecting the vulnerable. But what people don’t understand is that the isolation and loneliness does more harm. There are so many people that “know” this is their last holiday season, yet because of bullying and stupid rules they will spend this time alone and also more than likely die alone. And that my friends is not ok. (I went off on a tangent there – but if you know me – you’re used to it).

Love your people. Spend time with your people. Tomorrow is not promised for any of us.

– xoxo Victoria

I LOVE, LOVE. LOVE all the funny memes and sarcastic comments that this virus is inspiring. I seriously do – every time I see a funny one I send it in a group chat to my family. I really love them. 

But what I am really getting tired of is “come take my husband”, “I cant handle 14/27/ 30 days with my family”, “my husband needs to go” …

These ones.

People are making these comments and although funny, there is some truth behind them, people are posting pictures and sharing stories about how annoyed they are …

Honestly I actually hadn’t put much more than a passing thought into them until I saw a friend post something today. A nurse friend posted that she wished she could have a 14 day quarantine with her husband. Instinctively, without thinking, I posted “me too”. I hadn’t really thought about it. It’s been over two years and I’m moving forward and really enjoying my life, but that simple statement made me realize how incredibly selfish and annoying some people are being . There are so many worse things than being quarantined with your healthy husband for 2 weeks, believe me I know. What I would give for another two weeks with my husband – fishing and camping. What I would give for another two weeks with my ALS battling husband, what I would give for two more weeks of being a wife and caregiver. 

I know that being quarantined brings up a slew of new emotions for people. It’s an adjustment and it’s not easy. Everyone is scared and uncertain about the future. I get it. I truly do. 

I know what it’s like to worry about the future, about where the money will come from and if you will have a job when this is all “over”. I know how hard it is to be isolated at home, to lose your social interactions and time with your friends. I know what it’s like to be constantly washing your hands and worried if you will be able to get supplies when you need them and to worry about possibly having to the hospital and be exposed to additional, more aggressive, dangerous germs.  I get it. I truly do. 

I know what it’s like to fight with your family, go stir crazy and be bored. I know how it feels to be trapped in your home, with slow internet and no “new shows” to watch. I get it. I truly do. 

I know what it’s like to be utterly helpless, to have no control over what’s going on. I know how it feels like to not have any answers, no time line, no real projected outcome and no “cure”. I get it. I truly do. 

We have been told that Covid-19 has a fatality rate of 3%. ALS has a 100% fatality rate. So believe me when I say I get it. I truly do. 

So can we all please take a deep breath, love on our families, enjoy game nights, wine drinking and cozy movie nights. Please take a breath (without a N95 mask on – hahahahah) and wash your hands. 

– xoxo Victoria

P.S. Tomorrow I will share some tips to help you get through this time of social distancing.

Being single isn’t the worst thing in the world. I do what I want, when I want, I eat when and where I want, I spend my money however I want. I can dye my hair, quit my job, get another dog or buy a boat without asking anyone. I can paint my kitchen cabinets, start a flower farm, or buy and RV and travel the country. As I write that I realize how lucky I am! hahahahaha I get to do WHATEVER I want!

It’s a great life but this is not the life I truly want. I don’t want to ask if I’m “allowed” to do things but it would be nice to talk things through with someone and get advice – even if I’m not going to take it. It would be nice to have a partner in all the crazy that happens outside my front door. It would be nice. 

But there is no winning in this widow dating thing and it sucks.

How much do you say,? How much do you not say? What is considered over sharing? What is considered not haring enough? If you don’t share it and it comes up later “you were hiding things”.

Inevitably the same questions arise …

“Are you over him?” (Yes) 

“Are you ready to date?” (Yes)

“Are you ready to move on?” (Yes)

“Do you wish he was still alive?” (Thats’s double edged – the last few years were really hard – it was actually never perfect, but if he could be alive and healthy – that would be great. – He was loved by many people.”)

Those are my answers, they’ve been my answers for two years and yet I hesitate to respond, knowing that not everyone can believe them. Knowing that people will continue question my intentions.

It’s hard to no longer have the person who knows you. Really knows you. The person you don’t have to explain things to. The person you can’t over share with. The person that has your back in every situation. The person who’s advice has never steered you wrong; it actually has but that person was there to pick up the pieces with you when it did. 

I am a lay-it-all on the table type. I’ll tell you the whole crazy, uncomfortable story and if you want to stay, stay and if you don’t, don’t. It hasn’t been easy getting to this point, but I’m here. 

– xoxo Victoria

I quit the hospital. I gave my two weeks and I’m done. 

I’m not just leaving the hospital, I’m leaving the industry. I can’t do it. I can’t deal with the revolving door of death. I can’t witness the suffering of patients who don’t want to die, but who also don’t want to live the way they are. I can’t watch people suffering and not be able to help. I can’t watch people lose their spouses, parents, siblings and friends. My heart can’t handle THEIR loss. 

I can’t watch people being worked on when they code, people who should have a DNR. I can’t watch families struggling with what to do. I can’t watch people going to a SNiF when they should be leaving on hospice. I can no longer watch the suffering at end of life, when out could be peaceful and less painful. 

 I can’t watch doctors not being direct with family members about the patients prognosis/ diagnosis. I can’t watch family members in the dark about what is coming. I can’t watch unsupported deaths and suffering. 

I can’t watch insurance companies having a vote in life and death and comfort and pain. 

My heart can’t take it. I am an empath and at some point I need to remove myself from situations that are not good for my well being. 

I am going to miss many of my coworkers, people who have become friends. I will miss the patients who let me know I have made a difference. There are things I will miss. But right now I am missing my health and my well being and it’s time to put myself first. 

– xoxo Victoria 

P.S. There are more reasons for me leaving this job and I will share more later. After hearing that two patients on my unit passed today (I was off), I knew deep down that I had made the right choice for my heart.

Over the holidays I had a few people approach me and tell me that they haven’t  “set me up” with people because they thought I was still in love with Duane …

1. i am 
2. i will always love him 
3. he’s dead
4. he died a horrible, painful death
5. i cared for him through it 
6. i’m moving forward
7. i will always miss him
8. i write about him and our story in hopes of helping someone else
9. i have dated
10. i continue to date 
11. i don’t want to be alone forever
12. judging me doesn’t help
13. you have no idea what it’s like 
14. i am moving forward 
15. help me out
16. stop judging 
17. i am so glad you have no idea what this is like 
18. recreating your life is hard
19. help a girl out 
20. im available 
21. im moving forward – with or without your “help”

– xoxo Victoria 

From the moment I decided that I was going to “recreate” my life and do what I really want to do, I have been getting little signs. I know many of you don’t believe in “signs” so you  might want to stop reading now. 

Last night I received the ultimate sign. I had a dream, and I’ve said this before, I NEVER dream about Duane. Seriously it’s happened less than 10 or maybe even 5 times in that last two years. But last night there he was. I knew he was dead, I 100% knew it, BUT he came back to life. (hahahhahaha, I know). And I also know that we often dream about things we are struggling with or frustrated with … I know we somewhat create our own dreams, and I’m okay with that, I’m okay knowing that I am looking for answers. 

Anyway … In the dream we were doing things we never had a chance to do, but he kept saying, “It’s okay, we get a do-over”. We would always rank things by calling a do-over. If it was good, IT got a do-over, if we messed up WE got a do-over. We were always having do-overs. It was the way we said we loved something and the way we said I’m sorry or let’s try again. I love do-overs. 

So it’s MY time for a do-over. It’s my time to go with the things I love, say I’m sorry to the things I don’t and try again to find new things I love. I am so excited for this do-over. 

– xoxo Victoria

Right before I woke up Duane and I were holding ands and he was walking me to my back yard, which was obviously on a lake. He looked over and smiled and said “… this is home,  I am so happy, let’s just go with it”. I will never forget what that looked like. 

Where to start? … I’m making some changes… some major changes.. it’s time.

I have been putting so much stress on myself. I am constantly worried. I am worried about life and death and money and things I have no purpose worrying about because I am fine. But still … I worry about what would happen if … what is going to happen when I’m old, what if the economy crashes, what if I get sick … This is obviously not a healthy way to live (more about that in a blog next week). The stress I am putting myself through needs to end. So I am taking the steps to change. 

We always believed that in a marriage/ relationship/ partnership one person had to have a recession proof job … that was Duane – I always had the fun job. Now I feel the need to have a recession proof job – just in case. But I HATE it. I hate being on a schedule and the corporate world and everything that comes along with that. I have put up with bullying, low pay and rudeness because of my new crazy fear of not being ok if something happens. 

This is no way to live. So I am making changes. I just started bartending again. I am jump starting my Beautycounter business, auditioning for SAG jobs and working on my book. I am reading again and napping and working out. I am finding my happy again. 

Its sucks it took two years to get back to me but I’m here and looking for fun! 

– xoxo Victoria

I have a longer blog planned for next week on some of the health issues that I’ve been dealing with because of the stress I have been putting myself through. 

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary and after arriving home from San Francisco at 1:30 am, a long day at the hospital and a weird allergic reaction I took a pass on blog writing.

I like to “commemorate” special occasions as they happen so I can look back year after year and see how I have grown. I like to look at the photos and remember what I was thinking in those moments, some are good, some are funny and some are so, so heartbreaking. 

My wedding anniversary – that’s a good one. I also have a wedding video – it’s buried deep in my emails and I watch it once a year. I like listening to the speeches and seeing all the love that surrounded us that day and continue to surround me today. 

I love Duane. I loved my wedding. I miss my old carefree, wild life. But I am moving forward and I am happy. 

Here’s where it gets tricky for some people … It’s been four years since we were married and two and half years since Duane passed. We can all do the math and see that we didn’t get married until he was well into his ALS diagnosis and progression. We had been together for a decade before that.

So how long were we together? I count the entire relationship. When Duane asked me to marry him he said, “I should have done this sooner” (No shit)! But does that make our relationship any less? I think not. Honestly – if Duane hadn’t been diagnosed I’m not sure we ever would have gotten married. Maybe we would have just kept doing life in a way that worked for us. Is that wrong? I think not. 

So this leads me to my next question. Duane was a part of my life for over a decade, he was my partner, he was my best friend , he was my co-dog owner … he was my family. Soooo because we weren’t married does that mean what we had was less important? Is it easier to “move on” from? Once again I think not. 

Dating has been coming up in my circle a lot lately. I date, not successfully but I do date. hahahaha I put the effort in and I go … most of the time, well some of the time, I do cancel a lot. hahahahaha But mostly because I don’t like leaving my house or Buddy. I don’t want to be alone forever but I also don’t want to settle. 

So this leads me to another question. When is the right time to truly start dating? Some say not within a year. Some say 1 year for every year you were married. Some say 3 years, 4 years and still some say never. I say whenever you want. There is no timeline. You could meet your next love 2 months after your spouse passes. Or two years. Or never. BUT no matter what, widowed or not you do not get to judge. You do not get to say that people shouldn’t date because of this or that. You don’t get to say that you read this or you read that or you think this or you think that. You don’t get to tell other people what to do with their life. 

We need to support one another more. Support people moving forward with their lives (if they want to). Just because you don’t want to, or you don’t think it’s time, it doesn’t mean that others feel the same way. And that is okay. You have never walked their journey – we all have different experiences in life and we get to decide what is right for us and what works. People are entitled to live their lives as they see fit, as are you. Be mindful that the world is full of judgement and meanness and try not to be a part of that. 

Love people, and if you can’t do that, just be nice, and if you can’t do that, smile at them, and if you can’t do that … I don’t know what to tell you. It takes more energy and more muscles to frown than it does to smile … So I guess I’ll just assume you’re trying to lose weight – because why else would you be deliberately rude. 

– xoxo Victoria

P.S. A HUGE pet peeve of mine … If you are happily married and you think its okay for someone that is divorced to date but not someone that is widowed you’re an A-Hole. 

My goal was simple – so I thought. Make it, working in the hospital for 6 months. Don’t quit, for any reason. Stick it out … today I hit my 6 months. 

Duane always said I never finished anything. I would commit to something and then I  wouldn’t follow through. I proved him wrong when I got my captain’s license, when I finished school and now again that I have fulfilled my goal of working in the hospital for 6 months. (The last two he didn’t get to see, but it still makes me smile to say, “I told you so”! I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to prove him wrong! hahahahahaha

I didn’t know if I was going to like it – and the jury is still out. I went back to school to work in hospice – to give back to the organization that had helped us so much. Help people life their lives to the fullest even in the hardest of times. 

It has not always been easy. Twelve hour shifts, lots of poop, difficult patients, normal work drama. There have been days that it has been extremely trying. There were days I cried in the cafeteria at lunch, fell asleep on the couch before eating dinner and thought there was no way I would make it through another day. But there have also been amazing days. Appreciative, thankful patients, efficient team work, gratitude and new friendships. It has been such a learning process. I am so thankful for this opportunity to learn and grow and work in this environment. 

I have grown as a person and have a realized again that life can change in an instant. You are a left turn, fall of a ladder or trip down the stairs from a completely different life.  You need to value your life and your family everyday – everything can literally all change in a second. I am really proud of myself. 

Life is short. Be happy. As Duane said, “live your life like it’s the last day, but prepare for the future, just in case”. 

What will my next adventure be?

– xoxo Victoria

No one knows this …

I have a friend who also lost her husband. We text each other every day and if we don’t hear back we call, then text and call. At first it was a joke. “We had to check-in to make sure each other was alive”. Who else was going to do it? We both talk to our parents daily, BUT if they are out of town it could be days before someone realized we were dead, missing, kidnapped or had been eaten by our dogs …. HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Just kidding – kinda, but not really. 

We are widows. We don’t have our person anymore. We don’t have that person to call when our day is amazing and we want to share it or when our day sucks and we need to vent. We don’t have that person to worry about the dogs with. That person to pick up the slack around the house. That person to eat dinner with, sit on the couch with or go to bed with. We are personless. We are heavy in the dog department but lacking in the “who is your emergency contact person?” department.

It’s hard sometimes. Everyone says, “you can call me”, “if you need something, I’m here”. Most the time they really aren’t. They have their lives, their person and their family to maintain. They don’t have time for me to call and “say can you let my dog out”, “grab a drink”, “meet for dinner” … It’s just the way it works. And you know what? It’s ok. I want people to be happy and keep their lives on track. I want them spending time with their families, making memories and taking care of each other. But sometimes it’s hard. And honestly until you’ve lost your person you can’t understand. There is no way. 

Seriously I know that so many people have it so much worse, and that there are so many people suffering right now. I am fully aware of the suffering people and what they are enduring everyday. But I’m still having a pity party tonight. 

Sometimes it’s really hard to be alone in the world. People get offended at that but they are married or coupled up or have kids. They can’t truly understand it because they have no concept of it. They can say “but” and “I and this and that”. They can tell you “I’m here for you” BUT they can not truly understand what being alone is. Sometimes instead of telling us all the reasons that our feelings are not justified or aren’t real it’s better to just listen and acknowledge. We all hope someone would be there in our time of need, but that’s not always the case. 

I had a bit of a rough morning. When I got to work I had an amazing coworker realize something was wrong and just hug me. She listened to me and hugged me. There is nothing more power than no words, just being there. Listening, acknowledging and hugging. I am so thankful that she was the first person I really interacted with this morning. 

Just be there for others. 

– xoxo Victoria