Last Sunday our friends; Jenna, Spencer and Kloe came over to watch the Lady Gaga concert – I mean the Super Bowl!  We had so much fun eating chips, laughing, eating chips and watching Kloe teach Buddy how to play with his new toys!   It was a great day spent with friends!

– xoxo Victoria

After a few really, really bad days I was near a breakdown.  I remembered that I had screen shot a caregivers support group and vaguely knew it was on a Wednesday.  With someone here to sit with Duane, tears running down my cheeks and it being 9:52 am I raced out.  

I got to the meeting a few minutes late and they welcomed me in.  At this meeting we went around the table and everyone introduced themselves; explained and talked about their loved one and what issues they were facing.  I spent the first 20 minutes drying my tears and surveying the room.  It quickly because apparent to me that I was at least 20 – more like 35 years younger than everyone else there.  Then I began to really, really listen to what they were saying.

HOLY CRAP!!!!  I’m in the wrong place.  

This is a support group for people who are caregivers or spouses for people with Alzheimers and Dementia.  OOPS!!! I quietly walked up to the leader and explained through tears what happened – she told me to stay.  

It was my time to share…. As soon as I opened my mouth the tears started flowing, tissues and napkins were coming at me and mouths were open.   As my story poured out all of these people offered sympathy and advice and PURE LOVE.  It was amazing.  I apologized for being in the wrong place and they all invited me to come back.  This was the most amazing group of people I have ever met.  When the meeting was over so many people came up to me and hugged me, gave me their number and offered support and love.  The best part of my day was when a group of three 80-ish year olds came up to me and said “Will you please come back?  When we hear you speak we realize our lives are pretty good.”  Seriously made me day!!!

– xoxo Victoria

WOW!!  HAHAHAHA!!  I love it when people text me these old photos that I completely forgot about!

These photos are from October 2006.  I went with Duane on a fireman’s  houseboat trip.  There were about 20 people, two house boats, lots of costumes and way too much alcohol.  The trip has so many special memories for me…

– The weather moved in, everyone else left.  Duane and I stayed and ended up drinking a JUG of wine.  (you know the big old glass gallons jugs?) The whole jug and ate a whole packet of hot dogs. 

– It was my first time at Bullard’s Bar.  A place we would continue to go to for ten years – it was actually the last lake I fished with Duane in January 2015.

– First time I caught a fish not using minnows. 

– First time Duane said I Love You to me.  

– xoxo Victoria

Well today really turned around… Below you will see two posts the first one is the way I was feeling this morning, the second is the way I am feeling right now.

 I almost posted this morning and held off thinking it was too much.  As the day has passed I realized – it wasn’t too much, it was the exact way I was feeling.  As look back I am SURE that it was still the way I was feeling.  No regrets, no embarrassment, just pure feeling.  

The second post is how I feel now.  

They are complete opposite feelings.  I embrace both of them and see them both for what they are. 

Post 1 …  There Are No Words

Eye rolls, laughing at me, ignoring every question asked, telling me what I did wrong, telling me I was rescued, have secret conversations, lying … Complete and udder rudeness and disrespect…. What My Days Are Made Up Of.  

I am not writing this for sympathy or for advice.  Maybe I am writing this AS advice.  Chose your life plan carefully.  Make sure you can always take care of yourself. Make sure you are loved.  Make sure you are cared about.  Make sure you are not being used beyond you wildest imagination. 

Post 2 … 

I got a text from an old friend today, someone I’ve know since 2003 – 14 years – WOW – for the first time in a long time I am excited about what is to come, opportunities and life itself!!  I feel as if I lost myself and this one text completely transformed my thinking.  I have seen this person through hard times and great times and am so so thankful for him.  My entire thought process has been changed and altered.  He won’t agree and will say it’s nothing but it seriously saved my sanity.  

Never underestimate reaching out.  The power of words and love. 

– xoxo Victoria

Catherine, my sister, was in town…I think she’s one of Duane’s favorite visitors.  She rubs his feet and hands at night – something that by the end of the day I am just too tired to do.  She does make him do dumb things too – like try out her new polar bear airplane pillow!  I love having my sister here!

– xoxo Victoria

A few weeks I ago I took a CPR class.  This was my final requirement needed to complete in order to submit all my classes and passes to the Coast Guard to receive my actual captain’s license.  

I had taken the class before and was able to it all online except the 1.15 hour classroom/ skill demonstration section.  I breezed through the online portion not paying any particular attention to it.  When I went to the class we had to demonstrate on another classmate or dummy all the techniques.  Boy, am I glad we did that!

A few days after passing the class Duane choked.  He chokes all the time and I can usually just just do a finger swipe, get the food out and on we go.  Not this time… he choked on a tortilla chip and it got stuck.  I put him on his side and he still couldn’t cough it up.  So I used the heel of my hand on his back and gave two thumps before the chip FLEW out.  It really flew out.  I was amazed – it wasn’t just like that on tv. 

Duane was fine and he actually hasn’t choked since then.  I am SO glad I took that CPR class!

– xoxo Victoria

My sister came to visit this week, and I am so thankful for that.  We only had a little bit of time alone together but it was magical.  We were able to go to dinner and have a nice chat about everything except Duane.  As mean as that sounds it was amazing.  

On our walk home from the restaurant she asked me why I don’t blog more.  I told her I feel bad blogging, I feel like my last few blogs have been negative and sad.  I went on to say that I feel uncomfortable sharing so much because I don’t want everyone to feel bad for me and think that I am a complainer.  The wise, wise little sister that she is, told me to keep blogging and keep sharing and that everyone is rooting for us and everyone loves us.  No one views me a complainer.  

So based on my wise little sister I will be blogging more.  Using this as a way to keep everyone updated and as an online journal.  There are times it will be happy and joyful and times it was be negative and heartbreaking.  It’s all part of this journey.  

I want to thank everyone for their constant support and love and comments.  I appreciate and love you all!

– xoxo Victoria

What an amazing Saturday we had, Duane’s best friend Rhett came to town and we took the boat out on the bay.  We stopped by Mitch’s Seafood, grabbed a bunch of food and headed out.  Duane hadn’t been to the top of the boat for about 3 months – he wanted to go up, so Rhett and I carried him up.  He was so happy.  It was great to see him out of the house and with such a good friend!  We can’t wait for him to come back!

– xoxo Victoria

Walking down our street home from my walk with Buddy today.  There is still joy in everyday …sometimes I just have to walk in the rain to find it. 

– xoxo Victoria

The time has come… let’s be real – it has actually been a long time coming.  

We will start with a home health aide next week.  

I have tried my hardest to continue to give Duane as much privacy as possible and help him keep his pride intact for as long I could.  But today during his shower everything went sideways…literally.  

Showers have been getting increasingly harder for the last few weeks.  We have requested aides before but as soon as they show up Duane sends them away.  Well, we have now reached the point where it is a necessity.  

A few days ago when Duane showered we had some difficulties with him staying on the shower chair and me trying to keep his legs stable and wash him.  Today it went so bad I needed his brother to come over and help keep him stable.  I fell and it went downhill from there… hospice will be sending an aide over two times a week starting next week.  

I feel bad that it has come to this but I can’t do it alone anymore, its not safe for either of us.  He is upset and keeps telling me what I did wrong and how to do it (and everything else) better, but we need help – at least for showers.  

Wish us luck!

– xoxo Victoria