For the last few years I feel like I’ve been forcing things to happen. Forcing myself to make decisions and making moves to try and create a new life for myself.
I’ve been forcing things to happen and doing things I don’t LOVE because I thought “I needed” too. I’ve put all this pressure on my self to recreate myself and give my life meaning. To show that the time I spent time away from working and caring for Duane wasn’t wasted, that I have something to “show” for it.
I’ve been searching and settling and grasping at straws trying to figure out my new life. Worried that when people see me jumping from one thing to another – they will judge and be disappointed. Worried that people wanted to see me ok so bad that I settled into things, jobs, activities, that I don’t love or even like.
I have felt the need to prove that I have my shit together – it’s been 2 years I should, right? I mean I’m 40 – I should, right.
I have no idea what I want to do – I know I’m not happy at the hospital right now. I’m not happy doing daily care but at this point it gives me the resources to explore other options.
I guess I worry about people judging and thinking less of me because I haven’t rejoined their “society” yet. But today I stopped worrying. When have I ever conformed to what society said I should be or do? I mean the realist job I’ve ever had was jumping off a pirate ship, in Las Vegas, in a bikini 4 times a night. It provided me a salary, medical insurance, retirement … It was, by societies standards “a real job”. hahahahaha
I have freelanced my way through life and I have had an amazing life. I’ve done so much and have been so happy.
I remember Duane always telling me to settle into something BUT in the end that was the last thing he wanted for me. He loved me and my crazy ideas and constant change and movement.
It’s okay for me to do a lot of things – it’s who I am.
So if you need a … Beautycounter Consultant, Virtual Caregiver, a Juicer, Meal Prepper, Event Planner, Talent Agent, Travel Agent, Bartender, Boat Captain, Pilates Instructor, Personal Concierge, Clown (yes, I went to clown college), Scuba Diver, Reality Show Contestant, WWE wanna-be, Showgirl, Bass Fisher Person, Stunt Woman …. I’m your girl!
– xoxo Victoria
P.S. My face in this picture – hahahahahahhahahahaha