No one knows this …

I have a friend who also lost her husband. We text each other every day and if we don’t hear back we call, then text and call. At first it was a joke. “We had to check-in to make sure each other was alive”. Who else was going to do it? We both talk to our parents daily, BUT if they are out of town it could be days before someone realized we were dead, missing, kidnapped or had been eaten by our dogs …. HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Just kidding – kinda, but not really. 

We are widows. We don’t have our person anymore. We don’t have that person to call when our day is amazing and we want to share it or when our day sucks and we need to vent. We don’t have that person to worry about the dogs with. That person to pick up the slack around the house. That person to eat dinner with, sit on the couch with or go to bed with. We are personless. We are heavy in the dog department but lacking in the “who is your emergency contact person?” department.

It’s hard sometimes. Everyone says, “you can call me”, “if you need something, I’m here”. Most the time they really aren’t. They have their lives, their person and their family to maintain. They don’t have time for me to call and “say can you let my dog out”, “grab a drink”, “meet for dinner” … It’s just the way it works. And you know what? It’s ok. I want people to be happy and keep their lives on track. I want them spending time with their families, making memories and taking care of each other. But sometimes it’s hard. And honestly until you’ve lost your person you can’t understand. There is no way. 

Seriously I know that so many people have it so much worse, and that there are so many people suffering right now. I am fully aware of the suffering people and what they are enduring everyday. But I’m still having a pity party tonight. 

Sometimes it’s really hard to be alone in the world. People get offended at that but they are married or coupled up or have kids. They can’t truly understand it because they have no concept of it. They can say “but” and “I and this and that”. They can tell you “I’m here for you” BUT they can not truly understand what being alone is. Sometimes instead of telling us all the reasons that our feelings are not justified or aren’t real it’s better to just listen and acknowledge. We all hope someone would be there in our time of need, but that’s not always the case. 

I had a bit of a rough morning. When I got to work I had an amazing coworker realize something was wrong and just hug me. She listened to me and hugged me. There is nothing more power than no words, just being there. Listening, acknowledging and hugging. I am so thankful that she was the first person I really interacted with this morning. 

Just be there for others. 

– xoxo Victoria