HAHAHAHAHA.  Old people crack me up!  Seriously!  I have attended a variety of group style counseling/ grief seminars/ meetings and the same thing always happens. 

Everyone introduces themselves and explains the reason they are there.  Then the “meeting” starts.  There is usually a topic being discussed, and everyone (that would like to) can contribute, share and vent. Regardless of the topic there is always a reoccurring complaint.  The older people (I’m talking 60’s, 70’s….sometimes even 50’s) express their pure hatred of people asking them why they are a widow, how did they become a widow, when did it happen… They all cry and explain that it’s rude, intrusive and hurtful. Everyone holds their soggy tissues and nods in agreement.

I shit you not….The second I get to the parking lot and unlock my car I am swarmed by a mob of old people asking me those very questions!  

HAHAHAHA! ALWAYS! EVERYTIME!  

I explain it to them, one after the other (because they can’t hear me in a group) they hug me and say I’m too young to be a widow.  They ask really in-depth questions and follow up with even more in-depth personal questions. In those few minutes they are able to break every “rule” they wish outsiders knew about communicating with widows. It’s so funny. At least I leave laughing!

– xoxo Victoria

Two years ago 43 of our closest friends and family members boarded the boat and joined us for our wedding.  None of us thought 43 people would fit on the boat, Duane said they would.  It was an outside wedding on December 7, I was worried the weather would be bad, Duane said it would be perfect. Our dinner reception was upstairs in a restaurant with no elevator, Duane said he would be carried and it would all be fine.

Duane was right. (I hate saying that! hahahahaha). It was amazing.  Everyone came together to make it a magical evening. The boat was cozy, the weather was beautiful and the restaurant was full of love.  

Thank you to everyone who was able to join us, to everyone who sent love and well wishes.  Thank you to everyone who was apart of our journey for twelve years.  We love you all. 

– xoxo Victoria

We had an amazing life.  Most people have hard time believing the stories; the fishing, the bass boats, the yacht, the plane, the ski boats, the motorcycles, the dirt bikes, the pontoon, the station wagon, the motor homes, the jet skis, the costume parties, the FUN!  We had so much fun, more fun that anyone else I know. The adventures I had with Duane are unfathomable for most people.  Many never get to experience what we did. We were so lucky. I am so lucky to have these memories.

This is where this post may get a little iffy …. How do you move on?  How do you meet someone that can compare? Are my standards too high? Who can compete? I know it’s NOT a competition… BUT…. 

My normal is not everyone’s normal.  (I’m sure Duane is laughing right now as I am writing this!) My requirement list in not long, it’s not about stuff, its about fun and companionship and LOVE. 

– xoxo Victoria

Thanksgiving Eve – the second most magical night of the year, second only to 4th of July. 

I went back and forth regarding the party this year.  The “Under The Big Top” theme came to life months ago, Duane knew about it and was so excited for it. We talked about it, come up with ideas and thought about costumes and food. We had a plan.  

He passed, I moved to North Carolina, where I have like 5 friends, so I decided not to do it.  My sister convinced me to do it. I invited everyone I know here and decided to see what happened. AMAZING!!!  We had such a great turn out and I think everyone had fun. 

I had a few teary moments; thinking about what if and missing Duane.  Thanking everyone for coming and being part of my first solo Thanksgiving in 12 years. I defiantly shed a few tears…

I seriously cannot wait until next year.  I have two potential themes and cannot wait to see where this year takes me and Buddy. 

Thank you everyone who came and had fun.  I appreciate you all!! 

– xoxo Victoria

This is the first time I have done any sort of public speaking/ informational video.  I hope you like it and get something out of it.

https://youtu.be/opc60Qh_1X4

So I am sitting on my couch after a fun night out writing a blog I never thought I would write.  This is hard to write and I’m sitting here crying as I type.  I never expected to feel like this. 

I want everyone to know that I appreciate them.  I appreciate all the invites, all the outings and I DO NOT want them to stop.  I want to go out, I want to meet people and I want to have fun.  I am so scared as I type this that people will think they’ve done something or said something wrong.  You haven’t!!!  Please don’t stop sharing with me and including me.  I am just having moment and wanted to share it in case others have it too!

Tonight I went out with my sister and her husband for their friend’s 40th birthday celebration.  It was so nice to be included and so much fun.  I met a ton of great people and had a lot of fun.  

At one point I excused myself to go the restroom and as I was sitting there I started crying.  This is what I wrote as I sat locked in the stall… (I did not edit this now…)

“WOW!!! Deep breath! I am out with my sister, her husband and their friends for a 40th birthday. Everyone is amazing and so nice. I’m having fun and I am so thankful I was invited but as I listen to people I think I missed out…Missed out on life, a marriage/wedding, kids, a family, a community – this sucks I’m starting to think maybe I suck at life. I’m sad and lonely and missed so much. So much for my future is missing. 

Who’s going to take care of me if something happens?

Am I going to die alone?

Will I have a “normal” life?

Will I meet someone else?

There are so many issues with Duane’s family now but they all have someone.

Me, no one.

Alone.

I’ll end up in an apartment alone, wearing bedazzled clothes, with 10 dogs (that’s always been the joke) and 3 boats.”

Please don’t not invite me places – this is the first time this has happened and I’ve gone out a lot.

Sorry for this blog it’s real and not something I always write but I was in a situation tonight listening about kids and husbands and vacations and it sucked. (But I am so happy for everyone and LOVE to hear about all of it – this is weird and random.)

I’m sorry I feel this way, I didn’t thing I ever would.  Didn’t know I could be like this (which is bratty and selfish). I hope no one is offended.  I don’t need anything from anyone.  I am ok.  I just wanted to express a feeling that I didn’t know I had or that was possible.  I thought I was “ok”.  I thought that I moved passed all this. I guess not. I’m sorry.  

Love each other.  

– xoxo Victoria

I can’t believe this is happening.  I am so excited … and nervous. 

My goal is to help other young spouse caregivers as they navigate this new and uncharted territory.  While Duane was sick I spent weeks looking for help that specifically catered to what I needed.  I couldn’t find anything. Every support group I went to, although wonderful, didn’t address my immediate concerns or needs.  

As more and more young people are being diagnosed with terminal illnesses (vets – coming home, neurological diseases, TBIs, cancer…) their family members are stepping up to help care for them.  These family members are trying to navigate a medical system, hospice world and daily life without a lot of direction.  I want to fill the void.  I want to be for those what I so desperately needed. 

In the next few weeks I will be fine-tuning my website, my Facebook page and sharing more details about my nonprofit. If you have any suggestions or would like any topics talked about in depth, please let me know.  I am here to help in anyway possible!

If you know anyone that may benefit from this PLEASE direct them to me.  

– xoxo Victoria

Photo Explanations…

The one on the left – having the honor of taking part in Travis and Lizzie’s wedding!!

The one on the right – after 3 days of fishing the US Open

It’s been a month and a half since I updated our blog…my blog now. I have been through a lot.  I have changed.  I have had nothing to write…Nothing that would add to what this blog was intended to be.  

I am shifting my focus.

I am working on a book and focusing all my writing energy there and the rest of my energy on my nonprofit; the Young Spouse Caregiver Alliance.  I am energetically creating a community that would have supported me during the last two years.  A safe place for young spouse caregivers to visit, ask questions, vent, learn, educate and feel no judgement.  A place where caregivers feel protected and valued. 

As I move forward I defiantly do not want to lose this content as it made me who I am. I think my/our journey is one that needs to be shared.  Over the next few weeks I will be thinking of renaming this blog, or not. (Suggestions appreciated!) It will become more of a lifestyle blog geared towards young spouse caregivers and what they can do to make the most of their experience.  I will stay true to myself and continue to post personal antidotes, funny Duane stories and information about what I have learned. Those of you who are not caregivers, but friends and family of mine, I am sure you will be entertained as well! 

Thank you all for your continued love and support. 

– xoxo Victoria

This post is going to offend some.  It is going to make people uncomfortable.  It is going to make them questions things that have said to me.  This blog is hard to write but it is the way I am feeling right now in this moment.  I don’t want people to be uncomfortable around me.  I don’t want anyone to overthink the things they have said to me, I’m very hard to offend.  I don’t want to avoid the topic of Duane, of marriage…  I want to to talk about Duane, I want to ear his name and your stories. I want to answer your questions and hear your thoughts. I don’t want to offend you or make you uncomfortable. But I also don’t want to be judged.

The other night I was sitting on the couch with my bother-in-law and we were talking about Duane and dying and living and ALS and being happy and me living the life that Duane wanted me to. As we were talking I was explaining to him one of the hardest things about this journey – for ME at THIS point.  As I talked he said “I never thought about that”. And then the next night he saw it happen…

Social Situations.

When people who don’t know my story look at my hand and see my ring and ask “…And your husband is where?”  “Who’s your husband?”  Most of the time I delicately tell them that he passed away.  They become so apologetic and sorry that I FEEL bad that my husband died, I feel bad I have to break the news to them.  They don’t know how to react or what to say so they kinda just wander away and I feel bad.  I have tried to answer with humor – “Your husband is where?” “Dead” – that is actually worse; even though Duane would have laughed.  (Our sense of humor maybe a little off).

This has become stressful for me.  I really don’t want people to be uncomfortable and I know I can’t live worried about offending people.  I also don’t want to force myself to do something I’m not ready for. I also can’t live worried about what people will think of me based on my decisions at this point.  I do not need to be judged. I need to to do what is right for me in the moment and figure out what I am comfortable with.  It may change everyday and that is okay. 

The truth is I don’t know what I am doing.  I don’t know what I am supposed to do.  I have read a 100 books and articles, on being a widow, grieving, “moving on”, knowing when the time is right and the only conclusion I can come to is there is NO right answer.  There is no timeline.  It’s okay to make a decision and then decide that the time isn’t right.  It’s okay to change your mind daily.  

Moving on, moving forward, getting settled, getting on with life… All of those statements have such a negative vibe to them when you are talking about the death of a loved one.  When I make those statements to people I offend wonder if they think I am moving on, forgetting Duane, being disrespectful.  It is hard to put into words. It has only been 68 days.  68 days since Duane passed.  But it has been 35 months since Duane was officially diagnosed with ALS, 26 months since I became a full time caregiver. I was as prepared for Duane’s passing as I thought I could be. We had conversations and “come to Jesus” meetings, lectures and lessons. I have been grieving and going through this process for years and now I am taking a deep breath and settling in. 

I need to protect my heart and my sanity and worrying about offending people and making them uncomfortable hurts my heart.  I don’t want people to look at me like a broken person.  I want people to understand its ok to joke and laugh with me, Duane would want that. 

Say what you want, joke with me – it’s okay to laugh, its okay to be happy.  Just don’t judge. 

– xoxo Victoria

My brother- in- law is literally the best.  He dropped everything flew to San Diego and drove me and all my crap across the country.  The majority of the time he got sweaty and drove the UHaul so I could drive the Jetta and hang with Buddy! We drove 17 hour days to get here in three days.  We laughed, ate crap food and had as good of a time as anyone possibly could in the situation.  

He opened his home, let me live with them, helped me find a place of my own and has supported me though this whole process.  We have spent many nights sitting on the couch talking about life and this journey. He has listened and supported me.  He has been so important in the transition.  He’s amazing. And Buddy LOVES him – they’re BBFs

– xoxo Victoria