“You never realize how lonely you are until it’s the end of the day and you got a bunch of things to talk about and no one to talk to.” – Unknown

IMG_3644So I am sitting on my couch after a fun night out writing a blog I never thought I would write.  This is hard to write and I’m sitting here crying as I type.  I never expected to feel like this. 

I want everyone to know that I appreciate them.  I appreciate all the invites, all the outings and I DO NOT want them to stop.  I want to go out, I want to meet people and I want to have fun.  I am so scared as I type this that people will think they’ve done something or said something wrong.  You haven’t!!!  Please don’t stop sharing with me and including me.  I am just having moment and wanted to share it in case others have it too!

Tonight I went out with my sister and her husband for their friend’s 40th birthday celebration.  It was so nice to be included and so much fun.  I met a ton of great people and had a lot of fun.  

At one point I excused myself to go the restroom and as I was sitting there I started crying.  This is what I wrote as I sat locked in the stall… (I did not edit this now…)

“WOW!!! Deep breath! I am out with my sister, her husband and their friends for a 40th birthday. Everyone is amazing and so nice. I’m having fun and I am so thankful I was invited but as I listen to people I think I missed out…Missed out on life, a marriage/wedding, kids, a family, a community – this sucks I’m starting to think maybe I suck at life. I’m sad and lonely and missed so much. So much for my future is missing. 

Who’s going to take care of me if something happens?

Am I going to die alone?

Will I have a “normal” life?

Will I meet someone else?

There are so many issues with Duane’s family now but they all have someone.

Me, no one.

Alone.

I’ll end up in an apartment alone, wearing bedazzled clothes, with 10 dogs (that’s always been the joke) and 3 boats.”

Please don’t not invite me places – this is the first time this has happened and I’ve gone out a lot.

Sorry for this blog it’s real and not something I always write but I was in a situation tonight listening about kids and husbands and vacations and it sucked. (But I am so happy for everyone and LOVE to hear about all of it – this is weird and random.)

I’m sorry I feel this way, I didn’t thing I ever would.  Didn’t know I could be like this (which is bratty and selfish). I hope no one is offended.  I don’t need anything from anyone.  I am ok.  I just wanted to express a feeling that I didn’t know I had or that was possible.  I thought I was “ok”.  I thought that I moved passed all this. I guess not. I’m sorry.  

Love each other.  

– xoxo Victoria

 

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5 thoughts on ““You never realize how lonely you are until it’s the end of the day and you got a bunch of things to talk about and no one to talk to.” – Unknown

  1. Victoria don’t apologize. I have been there, and just when you think you are doing ok. Something is said and slams you back to day one. We know it is not intentional or hurtful it just ignited the pain again. I wish I could say it only lasts xx# of months or even years. But it will always be a part of who you are. The raw pain will fade, but it will show up again unexpectedly. Just allow the sorrow and get back up again… the getting back up is quicker than before. But it will always be a part of who you are and your compassion for others will always be shaped by it. Don’t feel bad for having hard times. You loved with all your heart. That love will never be gone. You may love again but that does not mean you ever stop loving another person, whether it is a husband, wife, child, parent, or friend. Thank you for being the voice of all who have loved and lost someone. You are awesome!! Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Victoria, I like this. I don`t mean I like how you feel, of course not! I mean I like your honesty. I have no idea how old you are (nor do I want to know or ever ask!) but you look young. young enough to have anything happen at any time in your life. You do have a normal life, because what is normal? There are so many fake people in this world pretending to be happy. Your real and honest. That counts for so much! Nice dog by the way. Looking forward to reading more from you. All the best! John.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I understand completely. I am in a similar space, alone and single, at age 62 with not long to live. I did have a life. I was married for 32 years before ALS. My divorce was not because of ALS, but happened at the same time. I am alone at night, just like you, wishing I had someone to share my life with. While I am as socially active as possible, it gets difficult at times, especially as things worsen.

    Liked by 1 person

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