I left my Heart in Havasu.  I LOVED living in Lake Havasu City.  I seriously miss it daily.  We had an amazing view, the lake a few miles away, 2 boats to go out on, a pool and more than 610 square feet to live in when we weren’t at the lake.  The town was wheelchair friendly, as was our house … the shower, the doorways, the bathroom…

When we were in Havasu it seemed like everything was easier.  Maybe because we had more space so we couldn’t get on each others nerves as much, maybe because we didn’t have people just walking in the door whenever THEY wanted to, maybe because we didn’t have people around EVERYDAY telling me what I SHOULD be doing or how to do something better.  

I miss how much easier life was there.  We were alone, we didn’t have people in and out all the time, we were allowed to actually be a couple.  Make decisions for us and only us.  We didn’t have input from people who had their own agenda.  

When we lived in Havasu Duane was physically better.  He was mentally better.  I miss that.  I miss going out to dinner, taking Buddy to the lake to throw him the tennis ball and watching him swim.  I miss sitting out front and watching the sunset, eating lunch by the pool.  I miss being able to exercise.  Spending the day floating on the lake.  I miss being about to leave Duane alone (even in the other room) for more than 15 minutes.  I miss holding hands, getting a hug and laughing at stupid things.

I am well aware that if we were still in Havasu he would be progressing.  I am well aware that we would have faced challenges there as well.  Moving back to San Diego was the smart decision, I just wish we didn’t have to make it. 

I just miss that whole part of our lives, when everything was easier. 

– xoxo Victoria

These were taken at an audition for Milo’s Kitchen.  Gracie and I ended up shooting the commercial and I am so lucky that we did.  I have 3 amazing framed photos that the company sent me after she passed.  

These pictures were taken right after they were both diagnosed.  Duane with ALS and Gracie with cancer.  It was such a hard time.  These pictures remind me of all the love that our little family had at a time when the future was so bleak. We were so confused about what was to come, what treatments we could do and what their outcomes would be.  I am so happy I found these photos tonight.  These memories are pure happiness.

They say get out from behind the camera, the memories should be in your head… right now I disagree. 

– xoxo Victoria

Many of you don’t know about how much fun Duane and I used to have together.  Here is the link for our old blog!!  You need to skip pas the first few you see – they aren’t that funny.  But scroll through – we just spent a hour laughing at all the fun we had!  

http://victoriataber.blogspot.com

Hope you enjoy!

– xoxo Victoria

Our first family photo.  I finally got Duane to smile and Buddy and his cleft photobombed us!!!  One of my favorite pictures ever.  Remember to keep taking pictures – someday the ones in your head won’t be good enough. 

– xoxo Victoria

Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath.  Tonight is all about taking a deep breath.  As I sit here crying on the couch all I can do is breath in and breath out.  

I miss him.  I miss the water skiing, dirt biking, the fishing, the snow skiing, the camping, the crazy antics…but most of all I miss just hanging out.  The 96 hours every 48 hours where we just got to have fun.  I miss my best friend.  

Duane is starting to progress a little faster than what has been his normal.  This week he has lost his ability to speak…pretty much.  He is losing weight even though I’m cooking all his food in cream and adding cheese to everything!  His pain levels have about doubled and we are medicating a few times throughout the night and eventually just getting up around 4:45am.  It’s been a long few days and I am mentally preparing for the days to get longer and harder.  

I love him.  I am tired.  Some tears. Little vent.  Comfy couch.  Glass or two of wine.

– xoxo Victoria

Things I have learned through this experience…

• how to unclog a really clogged toilet
• how to pull apart a carburetor
• how to work on diesel engines
• how to work on mercury motors
• how to move an entire house by myself 
• how to hook a car on a car trailer and when it breaks half way through the move how to fix it
• how how to light a pilot light
• how to administer more types of meds than I ever thought possible
• how to deal with insurance, medical, hospice people to get what we need
• how to continue to tow a boat when a trailer tire blows
• how to change a boat trailer tire
• how to put together a stationary bike – trickier than you think
• how to change multiple shower heads in order to make them all accessible 
• how to use a Dremel
• how to polish stainless steel
• how to clean boat interior perfectly
• how to replace sub woofers on a mastercraft
• how to replace a heater core on a mastercraft
• …

I’ve also learned that

• life is hard sometimes, but you can always keep going
• life is not fair
• how to be ignored, dismissed and degraded without reacting
• people in times of difficulty can be really mean
• if you don’t forgive, you are only making yourself more miserable
• I have the best sister in the world 
• watching someone die is hard
• it is okay to accept help
• being a caregiver is the hardest thing I have ever done
• saying I’m sorry can fix so much
• not hearing I’m sorry can make you bitter, forgive anyway
• saying I love you everyday is very important
• hugs are magical
• its okay to cry
• dogs really are a girls best friend

– xoxo Victoria

Killing time on the couch!!  Finally got him to do a face swap, SOOOOOOO funny! HAHAHAHAHA!!!  

– xoxo Victoria

This picture is from just over two years ago.  Duane, his best friend and I took the boat from Discovery Bay to San Francisco.  It was so cold at the end of January, that we had to stay the night in Berkeley.  It was a cold 48 hours but we had a lot of fun!  

– xoxo Victoria

Last week three fireman came down to visit Duane.  They had so much fun.  We went out on the boat, cruised the bay, had some good dinners!  It was a very nice visit.  I love when Firemen visit because not only do they help clean down the boat… they do it all!  And they do it all to Duane’s (firemen) standards!!  

– xoxo Victoria

YES!!!  YES!!! YES!!!  Tomorrow I have a day off!!!!  Duane is going to the boat with his brother, mom and nephew to work on it.  YES!!! My plan is to swim, go to dog beach with Buddy, lay on the beach with a book, and then go to happy hour.  I will report back tomorrow on hoe that worked out!  Thinking positive right now.  It will be my first day (more than 4 hours “off” in almost two years!!!

– xoxo Victoria