I have started this post about 6 times and I keep deleting everything I write. So instead of crafting the perfect post I’m just going to make statements. 

Duane taught me A LOT.  And despite how I felt about being stuck in an engine room for days covered in oil and grease, or sitting in freezing cold water learning to jump, covered in mud under my dirt bike or under the hood of a car “figuring it out”, I am now more thankful for all those lessons than I can even begin to explain.  

For Bentley’s birthday she wanted an alone picnic day on the boat; to tube and eat deli sandwiches.  My parents and I took her out for a few hours.  Once we got out I asked her if she wanted to learn to wakeboard, after her initial fear she agreed.  All of a sudden it a came back … the instructions that Duane had given to dozens of people, the way he put them on the swim platform and pulled them up, the way he spent time with me and so many other people teaching us something that he loved.  We practiced that way a few times and then I hopped in the water with her and we gave it a whirl.  Up she went!!!  She got up a few times and fell immediately – I corrected her and then she rode.  And then she fell.  And immediately without thinking, the words that I have heard Duane say so many times flew out of my mouth,  “Why did you fall?  What did you do wrong?”  She turned around looked at me and said “My butt was out!”  YES!!!  She gets it!  She tried again and she rode. I was so proud of her.  

In that moment I knew that everything we went through was worth it.  I have been given a wealth of knowledge, things I never thought were important and here I am using them!   Thank you Duane.  I love you!

– xoxo Victoria

P.S. THIS IS NOT A JOKE … As I was writing this my iTunes opened by itself and started playing Just Fishin’ by Trace Adkins.

I am headed to the beach with my sister’s family and their friends today.  Late yesterday afternoon I dropped Buddy off at the kennel.  It’s a beautiful place and he has been kenneled before and I KNOW he will be fine.  I truly believe it was harder on me than him.  

Buddy is also grieving.  It breaks my heart sometimes to see the sadness in his eyes. But despite his sadness he has been such an amazing support during the last 56 days.  I honestly don’t know if I would have come through this experience in one piece without him.  He is my people.

Anyone that knows him, knows that Buddy is special.  The bond he and Duane had was so  magical it can’t be explained through words – you had to feel it.  I know he knows what happened and it is insane to see how transitioned from supporting Duane to supporting me.    I will forever be thankful for him.

My main goal now is for us to be happy and keep having fun. 

– xoxo Victoria

When I left San Diego our hospice social worker and our nurse were VERY insistent that I make sure I find counseling and support wherever Buddy and I “landed”.  

(SIDE NOTE: Hospice is an AMAZING thing.  It is NOT END OF LIFE only.  It is quality of life.  There is a huge misconception about what hospice means and what hospice does.  I can can say I have met the most loving, caring and helpful people ever through hospice, my life has forever been changed because of hospice. )

The experience that I have recently gone through and continue to go through challenges me daily.  There are moments when I am hit with a wave of grief and loneliness that is so intense that I burst into tears with no warning. I am allowing myself to just go with it and accept it and be in the moment.  Something that people don’t realize is you, as the caregiver are in this extremely intense situation for months, or years and then one day it’s over. DONE.  Now what?  Everyone else continues on with there lives, they have work, family, friends – not the caregiver – they start over.  

I KNOW 100% that Duane appreciated me, loved me and that we had a connection that not many can understand or appreciate.  I value the time Duane and I had and all he taught me to do and love.  I am honored that I was able to care for him throughout his battle with ALS.  I know I gave him the life he wanted and made sure that every adventure he wanted to have he had (except taking the boat to Mexico alone – I had to draw the line somewhere).  I am thankful for him and for the life he created for me.  His love and support will forever be with me.  I am fully confident that Duane was proud of me and us and I am at complete peace with where Duane and I are.

I have been told by many that I am lucky.  I get a whole new life.  I get to chose my story.  I get to move on.  I am young.  I will be fine.  I’ll meet someone else.  I’ll go on to do whatever I want.  I don’t have to worry anymore. It is hurtful, disrespectful and rude.  I am not lucky.  I lost my best friend, my husband.  I have been told my loss is not as great as some others’ loss (I didn’t realize grief was a competition…).  These are some of the comments that were said that made it evident to our care team that I would need some support moving forward.  

There was definitely some hostility towards me during Duane’s illness and following his passing.  Things seem to have gotten worse in the last two weeks. I am doing my best to hold my head high and remember I gave Duane a life no one else could have and his care was my top priority.  Whatever issue people have with me know that they can’t move passed are based on their own insecurities and short comings and their own inability to process grief and seek support.  

My heart is hurt.  There is no way to explain the feeling of losing not only “your person” but many of those who were a part of the journey.  I am not here to judge them or their actions. I am here to share my story, process my grief and have the fun, amazing life that Duane wanted me to have.  I will continue to go to counseling and work through this experience. My only concerns now are Buddy and myself.  I was not sure how this experience would effect my relationships with others, but this is not what I was expecting.  Hopefully I will arrive in a place where I can just let it go, where an explanation, an apology and a thank you are no longer needed. 

– xoxo Victoria

NO IT IS NOT!!  It is a good way to lose your shit, sit pulled over on the side of the road and cry for 45 minutes. 

Let’s be honest, I don’t have the best sense of direction. Never have.  Getting lost usually doesn’t bother me I just U-turn and figure it out.  If I don’t know where I’m going I look at the freeway signs and pick the direction with a town I do know how to get home from…it could had a hour to the trip but what do you do? Works for me. 

I rely on google maps more than I should – Duane always said the reason you don’t know how to get anywhere is because you rely on your phone to tell you.  So yesterday I decided to just rely on me.  BAD IDEA!!!!  LOST! 45 MINUTES! A BOX OF TISSUES GONE!  The best part is I was going to a grocery store less than 2 miles away.  

Lesson learned…I will be relying on my phone for a few more months.

– xoxo Victoria

I had an amazing trip to the Bay Area and Reno – spent time with some of the most amazing and selfless people I know.  I was shown love and support and given more hugs than I thought possible.  I reconnected with old friends and met a few new ones.  I am full of hope and happiness knowing I have so many people who support and love me.  Thank you all!  Until we see each again.

– xoxo Victoria 

I can’t sleep.  

I remember the last time I slept a full night straight through, no joke, August 2015.  We were moving everything to San Diego and stayed over at my parents house after we cleared out the Discovery Bay house. That was the last time either I or Duane slept through the entire night.  In the last two years there has been good sleep and bad sleep, but for June and July we were up at least every two hours for meds if not every hour.  

I have tried EVERYTHING.  Tylenol PM, Melatonin Pills, Essential Oils, Drinking, Stopping Caffeine….Nothing works!  Then I found out about Liquid Melatonin.  YES!!!  I have slept the last 5 nights, only about 5 hours straight but I’ll take it.  I was thrilled…. Until last night.  I’ve been up since 3:00am.  

I need to sleep.  If anyone has any recommendations please send them my way.  

– xoxo Victoria

Our last few days were full of love and closeness.

Buddy and Duane were as inseparable as always.  Buddy’s face breaks my heart.  To those people who say dogs are JUST dogs….look at Buddy’s face, he knows. I am so lucky yo have him. 

– xoxo Victoria

I just got home from the 2017 Forest Wood Cup in South Carolina.  What an amazing event!!

Travis is one of the hosts for FLW Live which they film the mornings of the tournament and broadcast live on the internet.  Because it was the Cup they were filming from the venue and Liz was joining him.  This season Duane and I got up every morning of every tournament (sometimes at 5am) and watched Travis on FLW Live.  Duane LOVED it! So with the Cup being only three hours away this year and Liz and Travis being there I hopped in the car and headed down. 

This was the first fishing event I have been to without Duane and only the second one I have been to where Duane wasn’t competing.  It was an great weekend,  the FLW puts on such an amazing show.  It was great to watch Travis do his thing and so much fun to hang out with him and Liz!  

The two pictures above on the left are of Duane fishing an FLW event in Lake Rosevelt, AZ and the other two are of Day 1 of weigh-ins this year.  

Thank you Liz and Travis for everything!

– xoxo Victoria

While I was moving all my belongings to North Carolina I had a lot of time to think and cry and reflect upon the last few years.  I replayed all the important conversations that Duane and I had, the conversations about the future and “plans” he had for me.  This was our plan.  The plan that we came up with was for me to move to North Carolina and relax with my family.  I knew the plan, he knew the plan, my family knew the plan, but as I was driving I got scared, wondered if I was making the right decision.  

I started crying and talking out loud to myself, to Buddy, to Duane and asked if I was making the right choice.  After my mini breakdown I focused on the road and saw this.  It was a boxy rainbow.  But as I got closer it became clearer and when I was much closer this boxy rainbow looked like angel wings.  I don’t know what you believe or what this means but I instantly felt a feeling of peace and knew I was following the plan.  

– xoxo Victoria

Most of you know, some of you don’t…Buddy and I moved to North Carolina.  

My parents and my sister’s family live here and it seemed like the best place for us.  

Our hearts are fragile right now and it felt like the best place for us to set down new roots.  We both cry everyday but we are surrounded by love and support.

– xoxo Victoria