1 year ago today I failed Duane. He had chosen NO medical intervention. He was very clear on what he wanted. One of the non life saving things he was adamant about not having was a catheter. Did not want one, I mean really did not want one, would never have consented to one. So I held a urinal for him, even when he was out of it, I would put it there in hopes my timing was right, it usually was. We had had a few issues in the previous few days, a few accidents and it seemed that any time he passed urine he was in pain; flinching and grimacing. We thought he may have an infection, but at this stage there was nothing we could do about it. Our main hospice nurse suggested we put a catheter in for his comfort. I went back and forth, know that was the last thing he wanted, but I also knew he was in pain. I wanted his journey to be as painless as possible and I also wanted to honor is wishes. But at around 11 am on July 7, 2017 I agreed to have one placed.
There is a huge misconception about sitting and watching someone die. They don’t just go to sleep, they lay and suffer and it’s brutal and heartbreaking.
This is not at all what I thought. It is in a way peaceful but at the same time not. It’s horrific and crushing and I feel helpless.
Life sucks watching someone die.
– xoxo Victoria