Man, everything I write sounds so wrong right now. I’m trying to craft the perfect post, but it’s not going to happen. So here it is….
It sucks to be alone. It sucks to have to make MAJOR life decisions on your own. It sucks to plan your future alone. It sucks to always be the “third (fifth, seventh, eleventh…) wheel”. It sucks to have to deal with everything alone. It sucks to have to do daily life alone.
Everyone tells me they can help and they are here for me, they are, I know that. But I am still making decisions for the rest of my life, alone, and only I can do that. I can listen to their advice, but ultimately I need to make these choices. The other day I was driving around looking at lots and land and houses, yelling at Duane for dying. Crying because now I have to decide what to do. Make the decisions I will have to live with forever. (I do think a lot of my uncertainty about all this comes from him telling me, for years, that I was always making the wrong decisions and that my ideas were stupid – but that’s it’s own post).
What am I going to do? I have to start being an adult. I’ll be 39 next week. OLD. It’s time to get my shit together. Alone.
– xoxo Victoria
God Bless you Victoria! You are only in your 30’s. I know the raw pain that you are going through. I was about your age when I went through it. And the one thing I remember at that mind numbing day of Sean’s funeral was your beautiful little face with tears running down your face. I wanted so badly to comfort you. But YOU gave me strength to carry on, even when waking up in the morning was hard. It is amazing that your little face and your compassion has helped me to keep going going for the last 24
years! You are a blessing! Keep telling your story. It helps. But remember to take care of you. Your story is still evolving. You have a lot of love to still give and receive!
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I know it gets really old hearing that you’re a “strong” person. And I also know what it feels like to travel through your life alone. It sucks. What I do is cry, kick, scream, whatever I have to do…..then put my big girl panties on and face life. Your struggle is real….and painful…..and not fair. But you can do it. Even though it just sucks.
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