Man, everything I write sounds so wrong right now. I’m trying to craft the perfect post, but it’s not going to happen. So here it is….
It sucks to be alone. It sucks to have to make MAJOR life decisions on your own. It sucks to plan your future alone. It sucks to always be the “third (fifth, seventh, eleventh…) wheel”. It sucks to have to deal with everything alone. It sucks to have to do daily life alone.
Everyone tells me they can help and they are here for me, they are, I know that. But I am still making decisions for the rest of my life, alone, and only I can do that. I can listen to their advice, but ultimately I need to make these choices. The other day I was driving around looking at lots and land and houses, yelling at Duane for dying. Crying because now I have to decide what to do. Make the decisions I will have to live with forever. (I do think a lot of my uncertainty about all this comes from him telling me, for years, that I was always making the wrong decisions and that my ideas were stupid – but that’s it’s own post).
What am I going to do? I have to start being an adult. I’ll be 39 next week. OLD. It’s time to get my shit together. Alone.
– xoxo Victoria