“I just wanna make you laugh – I just wanna see that smile – Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while – I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep – I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace”, – O.A.R.

 

Two years ago Duane said to me you seem at peace.  I was…I loved my life.  I lived on the water, water skied every morning, fished and wake boarded in the afternoon and then worked in the evening.  I would come home, take the pink pontoon out, drink some wine and relax.  It was seriously my slice of heaven. I was at peace. 

The last six months have been extremely hard.  I have lost all sense of the peace I had worked so hard to get. Not only dealing with the progression of Duane’s ALS, but dealing with all that goes along with being married to someone with a terminal illness. There are doctors and nurses and hospice and insurance and medicines and paperwork and friends and family…

All we are trying to do is to enjoy everyday to its fullest with death looming in our faces.

Everyone gives their option and speaks their mind when they feel like it.  They tell me what I’m doing wrong and why I am doing it wrong and how I could do it better.  There are secret meetings and secret conversations and back stabbing “family members”.  There are disagreements and fights and hurt feelings.  There is blame and hostility and meanness. It is too much.

About a week ago I decided I don’t care anymore.  I love Duane, I am doing the best I can, he knows that, he acknowledges that and that is enough for me. I deserve some sort of peace at this time. If these people insist on being insensitive and mean, there is nothing I can do about it.  If they don’t like me, there is nothing I can do about it.  If at this stage in the game being rude and proving you are “right” is more important than compassion and love there is nothing I can do.  I can’t change your mind.  Nothing I will or can do will make a difference so I no longer have to try.  I don’t have to try to meet your approval or meet your standards.  I just have three responsibilities… Duane, Buddy and myself. That is all that matters,  So keep talking shit, keep having secret meetings and I will hold my head high and know that I am doing something no one else can do. 

– xoxo Victoria

Advertisements

2 thoughts on ““I just wanna make you laugh – I just wanna see that smile – Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while – I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep – I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace”, – O.A.R.

  1. Thank you for all you did for Duane. It was a tough road to hoe as im sure it still is.
    While I never met you I am so sorry for your loss Victoria. May God be with you and bless you all the remaining days of your life.
    Trust and know that you have absolutely no one to apologize to.
    Rivk Vawter

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s