“Stars fading but I linger on dear Still craving your kiss I’m longing to linger till dawn dear Just saying this Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you But in your dreams whatever they be Dream a little dream of me” – Fabian Andre / Gus Kahn / Wilbur Schwandt

I never dream about Duane. NEVER. In the two years since he passed I can count on one hand how many times I have had a dream with him in it. Sometimes I have begged for them but nothing.

Last night, well this morning, I had two.

The first one was when Duane was sick. He was well into his progression and he was so angry at me for everything. He was yelling and crying and so mad he couldn’t use his hands and he couldn’t do anything. It was like a flashback. It was heartbreaking. I woke up with tears streaming down my face.

The second one I had in-between alarm snoozes. This one had me reaching for him when I woke up. It was so so real. This one had me truly believing he was alive and we were on vacation. In my dream we are laughing and looking at instagram pictures (I don’t think he even knew what instagram was hahahahahaha). We were making fun of each other and trying to figure out if we were going to eat or go to the beach first. I remember the sun being up and the room being full of light and laughter. It was amazing.

Then I woke up. For the first time in a long time I was disappointed. I was so confused about where I was and why I was alone. I had to remember that he’s gone.

So now I’ll get up walk Buddy and shower for work, thankful for the sweet dream and sad that it was only a dream.

– xoxo Victoria

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