“Love is not as simple as it seems But I have learned to trust the space between” … “When I look back on our years together The only one I gave my whole heart to” … “Oh your tender heart, Taught me the hardest part is having to let go And everything you do promises I love you” – Anthony Cameron / Garth Williams

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I just got home from clinical at the hospital. I cried all the way home and then sat in the driveway, in my car, crying for another half hour. It’s crazy how all of a sudden the emotions just catch up with you and paralyze you. 

I love my house, I love my dogs, but there is something about walking into an empty house day after day, night after night that is just exhausting. It’s so lonely. The loneliness of walking into an empty house and having no one to share your day with. 

It’s hard to share these feeling because most people see it as one way. They don’t realize you can be sad and lonely and missing someone and still be ready to move forward and start a new life. People don’t understand that, they don’t want to. They don’t want your grief or confusion to interrupt their lives. They see it as one way or the other. Black and white. They can’t comprehend that you can be happy and be sad. 

The loneliness is deafening. I moved across the country and sometimes doubt the decision. I still get lost everywhere I go. I don’t have many friends and I can’t just show up on their front door step looking like this. (Yes, I am having a pity party right now). I’m thinking forward and know that I will have a regular job soon and will hopefully meet people and make friends there. I am trying to get out more and interact with people but it’s not easy. 

I don’t know what I have been so emotional lately. Maybe this is just a build up from all the writing I’ve been doing for my book. Maybe it’s just the past few years finally setting in. Maybe it’s everything that I haven’t really confronted coming out. Maybe it’s my frustration with other people thinking I can’t be happy and sad – or even have a bad day. I don’t know what it is but it sucks. 

I need to just be. Let the emotions come and go and embrace them. It’s hard and it hurts. But I am fortunate for the life that I have and am excited about what is to come. 

Pity party over … well in the morning it will be!

– xoxo Victoria

 

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