(^ Me after realizing what trust really is!)
I have an amazing counselor here in North Carolina. I wasn’t necessarily looking for one, but I was referred to this woman by hospice. After a few “lose my shit days” I decided that maybe I needed to go see someone, actually my Dad suggested I go see someone. I mean seriously, I spent two years caring for someone as they died a horrible death, I lost my best friend/ husband, I lost the majority of my friends, my job, my home and life. I sold almost everything and moved across the country to live with and be close to my family who I haven’t lived close to in years. I absolutely needed someone to talk to. HAHAHAHA!!!
Sometimes I see her every week and sometimes every three weeks. I had an appointment on Monday and was crying before I even sat down. I had diarrhea of the mouth. I couldn’t stop. Then she said (not word for word…), “You come in here and seem like you have everything together, you have a plan and you are upbeat and act fine, but inside you aren’t, you haven’t set boundaries with people and now you are scared to. You have an issue with trust.” (Me – Duh) Then she went on to explain trust to me and all the components of it… and suddenly everything made sense. It’s about self-trust and trusting others.
She introduced me to the acronym BRAVING. (I did more research when I got home and posted a 9 minute link below the covers the subject in more depth – it is very interesting.) BRAVING stands for:
B – Boundaries – The limits we personally set in all of our relationships that allow and help us to protect ourselves.
R – Reliability – Doing what you say you are going to do, over and over again.
A – Accountability – Taking ownership for your actions and words. Saying sorry and meaning it.
V – Vault – Keeping people’s secrets, be a vault, share only your own stories. No drama. Expect the same from others.
I – Integrity – Practice what you preach, do as you say you’re are going to do. “Choosing courage over comfort” – Brene Brown
N – Non-Judgement – Being able to tell others what you need without fear of being judged, and extending this to others.
G – Generosity – Interpreting other peoples words and actions in the most generous way possible.
WOW!!! When you break down the topic of trust it is way more complicated then it seems. It isn’t a surface level topic or feeling. I now understand why it is so hard to trust someone once they have broken your trust and when someone disappoints you why it is so hard not to forgive, but to move forward in the same manner.
Knowing this definition of trust would have saved me so much heartache over the last few years. Sitting there in that freshly painted room, crying my eyes out, I realized I made some decisions over the last three years that were not completely made out of love or trust but were almost expected because I never set boundaries and didn’t hold people accountable for their actions or words. I forgive easily, and then never establish my boundaries, opening myself up for the cycle to repeat itself. I cannot go back and change the past but moving forward I can start establishing MY boundaries. I can start expecting people to do as they say they will and start holding people accountable for their actions. I can start making the decisions about who I allow in. Wish me luck!
– xoxo Victoria