So I am sitting on my couch after a fun night out writing a blog I never thought I would write. This is hard to write and I’m sitting here crying as I type. I never expected to feel like this.
I want everyone to know that I appreciate them. I appreciate all the invites, all the outings and I DO NOT want them to stop. I want to go out, I want to meet people and I want to have fun. I am so scared as I type this that people will think they’ve done something or said something wrong. You haven’t!!! Please don’t stop sharing with me and including me. I am just having moment and wanted to share it in case others have it too!
Tonight I went out with my sister and her husband for their friend’s 40th birthday celebration. It was so nice to be included and so much fun. I met a ton of great people and had a lot of fun.
At one point I excused myself to go the restroom and as I was sitting there I started crying. This is what I wrote as I sat locked in the stall… (I did not edit this now…)
“WOW!!! Deep breath! I am out with my sister, her husband and their friends for a 40th birthday. Everyone is amazing and so nice. I’m having fun and I am so thankful I was invited but as I listen to people I think I missed out…Missed out on life, a marriage/wedding, kids, a family, a community – this sucks I’m starting to think maybe I suck at life. I’m sad and lonely and missed so much. So much for my future is missing.
Who’s going to take care of me if something happens?
Am I going to die alone?
Will I have a “normal” life?
Will I meet someone else?
There are so many issues with Duane’s family now but they all have someone.
Me, no one.
I’ll end up in an apartment alone, wearing bedazzled clothes, with 10 dogs (that’s always been the joke) and 3 boats.”
Please don’t not invite me places – this is the first time this has happened and I’ve gone out a lot.
Sorry for this blog it’s real and not something I always write but I was in a situation tonight listening about kids and husbands and vacations and it sucked. (But I am so happy for everyone and LOVE to hear about all of it – this is weird and random.)
I’m sorry I feel this way, I didn’t thing I ever would. Didn’t know I could be like this (which is bratty and selfish). I hope no one is offended. I don’t need anything from anyone. I am ok. I just wanted to express a feeling that I didn’t know I had or that was possible. I thought I was “ok”. I thought that I moved passed all this. I guess not. I’m sorry.
Love each other.
– xoxo Victoria