Yesterday was a long time coming.
We finally received some much needed equipment from hospice. It’s not hospice’s fault we just received it it’s our…MY …fault we didn’t get it sooner.
We now have a hospital bed in the living room, with an over the bed table and a hoyer lift (that is hiding outside with the rest of the, now non useable, equipment until Duane realizes we need it…give it a few days). This past weekend there were multiple times when I couldn’t stand him up, his legs have gotten so weak sometimes that they can no longer bear his weight. Having this bed right next to the couch means I can basically just twist him to the bed for a nap or to lay down in a different position. He has yet to try it, but hopefully he will soon. The lift will be harder for him to give in to, but we are probably only days away from that as well.
He said we didn’t need the equipment. He said if I just did things “right”, if I just “tried” or “used my head” we would be fine. And you know what – we haven’t been fine for a long time and we’re still not fine. I have pushed things and it always backfires so this time I waited it out. We talked about it, he said yes, he said no … and then I couldn’t stand him up. I made the call and ordered the equipment.
Part of the reason I think I waited so long was because I felt like I was failing him. I was letting him down because he didn’t want it and only I did. I thought maybe he was right, maybe I was not trying hard enough, maybe I could have tried harder. I have spent the last week or so going back and forth, crying, with a hurt back, knee, hip, shoulder…. Waking up with a headache every morning and I realized I am not failing him if I get the equipment WE NEED, I am failing myself if I don’t.
– xoxo Victoria